


Shattered

by WrathandFlame



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, Loss, M/M, Masturbation, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrathandFlame/pseuds/WrathandFlame
Summary: Maedhros has found a coping mechanism to deal with Fingon's loss after the Nírnaeth Arnoediad. Every year he celebrates his and Fingon's anniversary on his own. His mind is not so clear anymore...
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Shattered

I find myself sitted on the bed, the wind howling, passing through the empty halls silence spanning and I stand paralyzed, frozen in time. My gaze shifts to the candle, the flame flickering. I curl my fist upon my thigh holding a piece of gold promising "Not tonight. I shall shed no tears tonight" for this night belongs to you, to us. With mechanical moves I wrap the ribbon around my sole hand and then bring it to clasp the silver ring dangling from the cord around my neck, your gift to me, a vow, now broken. I close my eyes, breathing in deep and then I open them, my hand shifts to the hem of my shirt, lifting it. Once I have no veil to cover me I lie down, my eyes turning to the ceiling, I still breathe like waiting, but for what. Slowly my hand rests over my body, sliding across the entirety of it's scarred and mangled glory. Once upon a time you called me beautiful, yet I never believed it. Soon enough my hand is between my thighs, biting my lip I give my self up to my own caress. My lips part, my head thrown back in wild abandon, throat straining my eyes drift shut and it's as if I can almost see your silhouette through my eyelids, over me, looking at me, smiling so beautifully. My heart constricts as the realisation hits me like a wave, of how alone I am, of how alone once again I dance, a dance meant for two. The pain overwhelmes me, my lips part, I expect a moan to leave my mouth, a broken sob is what comes out instead. Tears slide down my cheeks, so much for promising, my skin once feeling cold to the touch is now a burning furnace. My body writhes and spasms. It's all too much. Yet I can't cease this ritual, which is more a form of torture than of pleasure. I roll over to my front and brace my arms on the matress, my fist clenching in the sheets I am trying to feel your soul's touch on mine, but I feel nothing more than the cool breeze flying over my heated skin. So I begin to move, frantically, sweat bedding on the surface of me as I bury my face in the pillow, hoping to hide from the harsh reality that I am once more facing. The flames in the hearth are blazing, casting shadows on the walls menacing, like the demon bathed in fire who took your life and extinguished it. The sobs wrack me whole now, I'm shivering, struggling to hold onto something, anything. My eyes are open, but glazed over unseeing. Why am I doing this? Why do I hurt myself like this? Why don't just I forget you and go about my day? As the release strikes me and my vision darkens, I know the answer. Because you are etched in me, in my blood and in my mind, forever haunting me. The fire ubruptly goes out, the room turns pitch black as I slump onto the bed unmoving, my breath the only sound betraying that I'm still alive while you're not. The night goes on and on, a never ending nightmare yet I'm not scared nor do I care if people call me mad, as long as your phantom keeps me company I can survive in the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic here. Wasn't planning to upload my stuff but I was urged to do so, so here you go. Thank you for reading and feel free to comment:)


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